Apocaplyse now: rebugs

London... bugger; I'm still only in London.... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission.... getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.

So arrived home from work yesterday to find Designer Bug Guy napalming the lounge; having come back to check the bed bug situation, he'd discovered that apparently the invaders have spread to every bedroom in the house - except mine luckily. So the whole house has now been liberally soaked in Agent Orange, and we are all busy scratching imaginary itches brought on by the power of suggestion.

Designer Bug Guy - currently writing the bug section of the Backpacker's Ultimate Guide (or B.U.G. - coincidence?) is in high demand around the better-heeled streets of London. Drawing deeply from a fag, he assembled us in the garden to give us our military-style briefing. In marketing-speak I am a 'early adopter' of bed bugs, a trend which will be sweeping the world over the next 12 months - apparenly soon everyone will want them (gotten rid of).